Mind and Muscle Memory
In the space of a short few weeks since coming back from injury, I have been searching for both mind and muscle memory. After close to a year out, I am slowly finding my feet again.
Admittedly, when I set foot out of the door of our Airbnb on Christmas morning, I didn’t feel like a runner, certainly not an experienced one with multiple sub-3 hour marathons to his name. My mind was that of an unfit novice, a pretty apprehensive one at that, embarking upon a new journey with absolutely no knowledge of where the road would lead.
Every story has a beginning and an end. What lies between those two points is the journey.
How we got here?
When all is said and done, my journey to marathon runner is highly unlikely! Cricket and hockey were my childhood sports, both at a high level, so my fitness was much more attuned to shuttles rather than any form of distance running.
On those few occasions at school when I did decide to choose X-Country running on a games afternoon, it was typically accompanied by some form of mischievous plan.
That I was nicknamed the Cuban in my late teens was nothing to do with any penchant for rum or cigars but rather in homage to a rather unfortunate Cuban Olympian who finished his 10,000m heat at least a lap behind everybody else.
And by the time the fairly fit eighteen-year old reached the age of 38, the story was of a long race run not in any sporting arena but running away from a foe that would finally, after multiple suicide attempts, be diagnosed as Bipolar Disorder I.
Moreover, I’d done minimal physical activity for large swathes of that period, so 2013 started with me at the not insignificant weight of 19 stone 10 lbs (125 kg or 276 lbs). Mentally, I’d checked out on ever getting fit again. That was, at least, until I bent over and split a pair of 40 inch waist trousers and had to walk around with the ignominy therein for the rest of the day as the local Primark only had up to 38 in stock!
And so it began.
Just one penny
The above heading doesn’t relate to an unyielding need for the toilet although I confess to crossing the start line of my first marathon and being at a urinal within less than 10 seconds! This is very much in relation to the way in which I was able to keep myself motivated on the journey to fitness.
Let’s be clear, I couldn’t run a bath let alone anything else when I first set foot into Anytime Fitness Edgbaston in February 2013. My biggest fear was that I would actually break the treadmill or exercise bike and this only exacerbated the intensity of fear and embarrassment that I felt.
Fortunately, Anytime Fitness was at the beginning of the burgeoning growth of 24 hour gyms and fitness clubs. It was also much smaller and welcoming than the larger places in which I just felt totally out of place.
Nonetheless, my approach was to train when nobody was around. I got into the habit of being in bed early and being up at 4am every morning so I could get the first bus down Birmingham’s Hagley Road which would drop me off outside the club at 4.45am.
Typically, this gave me a ‘blissful’ hour on the treadmill during which I could at least metaphorically die without anyone seeing me. After a few weeks, it was clear that I needed something further to motivate me or I was going to quit as I had so many times before.
By this time, I was already a prominent mental health blogger and involved, therein with Mind, the mental health charity. My rather ambitious plan, therefore, was to run the Great Manchester Run (10km) in May 2013 with a target of raising £200 for Mind. This would help me to lose a few more kilos and afford me the opportunity to thank the charity without whom I would not be here today.
I also knew that all it would take was just one penny to be donated and there would be no turning back.
It's Only The Beginning
I’m not sure that I have too many early 1990s country music aficionados among my reader base but humour me nonetheless! Truth be told, I’d never heard of Deborah Conway before nor have I since but she featured heavily on the Qantas playlist during my flights to and from Australia in August 1991.
She had a catchy little ditty which has always stayed with me, the main lyrics being…
It's only the beginning but I've already gone and lost my mind
By the time I decided to enter three half-marathons later that year, many felt that I had also lost my mind. And when, having completed those three half-marathons in September and October 2013, I applied to run the London Marathon for Mind, most thought I had abdicated my senses completely.
The journey to that first marathon remains one of the most special periods of my life. The somewhat comedic start to my running journey had now been replaced by a deadly serious approach to training and fundraising. This was absolutely for real.
Over those months, there were so many different emotions. I’ve got this would soon be followed by how will I ever the **** run 26.2 miles?
Similarly, why am I doing this would soon be followed by the sober reminder that I was doing this to transform lives in the same way that Mind had transformed mine.
I will always be hugely grateful to all of my friends who supported me on the journey. Going booze free for close to four months was not the easiest, especially with Liverpool involved in that famous run in to the 2014 Premier League!!
Asking people to donate and support never came naturally to me but people were so generous.
The day, itself, is probably only behind my wedding day and Liverpool’s European Cups in terms of being vividly memorable. And actually, my advice to others is always to make sure you breathe in and enjoy it above all else because it will be gone all too quickly if you don’t.
And why have I told you so much of this that happened 10 years ago?
It’s because the mind and muscle memory from my childhood sporting endeavours eventually kicked in, albeit slowly and rustily, and that drove me on the journey from split trousers to finish line.
What also drove me, above all, was the desire to change lives and support Mind in transforming the landscape around mental health, breaking down barriers and changing opinions.
And nothing has changed
Let me rephrase that!! Everything has changed but some things still remain the same. That sounds, in the same breath, as if it is both paradox and impossibility, but it is my truth.
So what has changed?
Mind really have been a driving force in transforming perceptions around mental health in this country. We still have a long way to go but we have come a long way.
The original goal of running a 10km race and raising £200 proved to be lacking in ambition, so here I am after 50 marathons with close to £45k generously donated by others, in my name, to Mind.
I’ve moved from Birmingham to London, married Claire, and am now a Trustee on the Board at Mind.
However, when I woke up on Christmas morning (just 54 days ago), it felt that nothing had changed. I was overweight, apprehensive, didn’t really want to run and didn’t really think that I could. But I’d forgotten about mind and muscle memory.
On the Road Again
Evidently, I must be a closet country music fan! One of the tunes queued up for my first few runs was none other than “on the road again” by Willie Nelson.
"On the road again, Goin' places that I've never been, Seein' things that I may never see again, And I can't wait to get on the road again"
I genuinely couldn’t wait to get on the road again. But I was under no illusion that it was not going to be easy.
The first thing was to feed the mind memory, simply to remember what I love about running – the freedom, headspace, solitude. Those benefits were very quickly apparent but others took a bit longer to show themselves!
After an achilles tendon injury, I was understandably apprehensive. With every run came the fear of hurting myself again and the realisation that I was significantly out of condition. However, within a few weeks, my body was showing signs of muscle memory, and even though much heavier than usual, beginning to adapt to running again.
The part of my body which demonstrated significant amnesia was my lungs. I promise you that this was right back into being unable to run a bath territory! During those initial weeks, I was so grateful for every traffic light that stopped me in my tracks so I could gasp for air and was happy to stop at every shop for a bottle of water that I didn’t need!
As an experienced runner, it was unfamiliar, debilitating and disconcerting, but I quickly channeled my inner 2013 and knew that it would come. And for once, I didn’t put pressure on myself, I just ran within myself and remained mindful of both body and cardio fitness.
And just as in 2013, it clicked out of nowhere one morning. I suddenly found that I’d run six miles and it felt easy, that I’d been out there for 50 minutes and both body and cardio felt just great, that I’d not been looking for an excuse to stop but had just been out enjoying it.
As back in 2013, I’ve been off the wine and beer, and trying to eat as healthily as possible. This has allowed me to lose 16 lbs since the beginning of January, which has no doubt contributed to improving my fitness levels.
Unexpected situations
The link between running and mental wellbeing is well established. I’m not going to get into the science of endorphins etc. as I was never very good at science anyway. However, I know that for me and many others, running is a great way to support wellbeing.
That said, it has the potential to be a dangerous narrative. We cannot solely rely on running for mental wellness – what happens if we get injured? What happens actually if we injure ourselves because we are running ourselves into the ground, literally, for our mental wellness? The source of good mental health has to be a variety of approaches and coping mechanisms.
I actually had the all clear to start running again in November but was at the time going through a period of crippling anxiety. I remember one of my friends suggesting that I’d be ok because I could now go for a run. How wrong she was.
When I’m living through acute anxiety, my heart races so imagine trying to even consider cardio activities when your heart rate is already elevated. It’s simply not possible.
My advice to anyone on this journey is that running is one of the most beneficial things you will ever do for your mental health. However, do NOT buy into the %$@! that the “only run you regret is the one you don’t do.”
Through the marathon training journey, life happens. I started this post with the words of Richter who speaks of the journey between the start and end point. There will be moments on that journey when life throws curveballs and you have to trust your judgement.
What I have learned over the years is that one missed run or a missed tuna sandwich on the training plan are not going to derail your adventure. Much more likely to derail you is forcing yourself to do something on a day when you shouldn’t be doing it. Trust your instinct, trust the process.
My curveball
Since early January, I have not been working. It is not ideal and it is exactly the type of thing that I speak about when saying that life happens. However, I also truly believe that we have to ensure that we look to create anything positive that we can from the challenges that inevitably come our way.
This unexpected, but eventually, welcome career break has given me the opportunity to practice the kind of self-love and self-care that I haven’t done in a very long time. I’m eating well, sleeping well, exercising well, praying well, reacquainting myself with me … well.
In fact, I doubt very much I’d have made the advances with my fitness that I have otherwise.
Of course, I want to find the right new challenge and that process is well under way. The best thing is that I do it from the clearest mind and body that I have had for some time. My mind and muscle memory have brought me back to myself.
When life wanted to throw me lemons, I simply found some sugar.
The Road Ahead
The next chapter excites me. It has not been drafted yet in many respects, so I’m anticipating the turning of pages as much as anyone. I have a wife to love, a new challenge to find, and many races to run.
Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us, fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of faith.
Whether you share my faith or otherwise, so many of you reading this will be on a journey of your own. If you are running your first marathon this year, remember that it’s your journey unique to you. It will take your courage, your commitment, your joy to achieve that very special goal.
The plan will guide you but you will be the one making the sacrifices. Others will support you but it will be your sweat and tears soaking the roads in April.
You are unique, you are wonderfully and fearfully made, you are on an incredible journey which will transform your life and, through fundraising efforts, change so many others.
Don’t dilute that journey by comparing it to others, be true to yourself and you will be unstoppable even when it feels that you can’t take another step forward.
This is the first time that I am training for a marathon from scratch since I started running. With 50 marathons between 2014 and 2021, this is my first visit back to ground zero. First I was afraid, I was petrified… but now I’m just excited.
I’ll hopefully meet many of you at Brighton and London Marathons. I also have the small matter of RideLondon!! The pure unadulterated joy of the latter is being able to do it with my wife… and yes, I may have run 50 marathons with many more to come but I have no idea how I will ride 100 miles, but it will be fun finding out!!
Watch this space for more on the journey to a whole load of start lines.
- Podcast: Trapeze HR Face-2-Face - April 8, 2024
- Podcast: The RunAlive Podcast - April 5, 2024
- The Nervous Nineties? Or a Simple Run to 100 Marathons? - April 3, 2024
